Bittersweet

2024 is bringing some exciting news, but it is admittedly bittersweet news.
Before I dig into the news, let’s talk about Merriam-Webster’s definition of bittersweet:

bit·ter·sweet ˈbi-tər-ˌswēt (adjective)
: being at once bitter and sweet
especially: pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret
Merriam-Webster

Here’s the news…

On Sunday, January 14th the congregation of Providence Forge Presbyterian Church held a congregational meeting to call me as their next pastor. This is the video that was shared with them to get to know me better.
On Wednesday, January 17th the session of Salisbury Presbyterian Church and then the congregation received this letter:

Beloved Siblings in Christ at SPC,

It is with a sad but certain heart that I write this letter of resignation as your Associate Pastor for Christian Education and Discipleship at Salisbury Presbyterian Church, effective February 14, 2024. On Sunday, January 14th, the congregation of Providence Forge Presbyterian Church (near New Kent, Virginia) voted to call me as their next Pastor. The decision to transition to a new call has not been an easy one, but I believe it is guided by God’s divine plan for us all. As I embark on this new chapter, I carry the lessons learned, the bonds formed, and the spiritual richness gained from our time together.

It has truly been an honor and privilege to be one of your pastors over these past 2.5 years. You will forever have a special place in my heart as my first call, where we have been with one another through some of life’s greatest joys and deepest struggles. Together we have laughed and cried, worshiped and prayed, loved and served. Together we have celebrated births and grieved deaths, and walked together through life’s joys and trials. There is no way one letter can fully encapsulate the depths of my gratitude and my love for you.

Nor can this letter detail the depths of my love for the team here on staff, the session (past and present), and deacons (past and present). I am in awe of the people I have had the privilege of serving alongside, learning from, and growing because of their guidance. It has been a dream to work with this team, and I will miss each person fiercely. A special bit of thanks to Jim and to Nate, in whose great and capable hands I leave you. I’m so grateful for their patience, love, and servant hearts. They love you deeply, have loved me greatly, and I will miss serving alongside them here in this place.

It is my prayer that you will continue to be a place that welcomes all and delights in new ways to impact the church and the world. You have a gift for love and when it’s guided by God it will do remarkable things to transform the world. I pray that joy and nothing less finds you along the way. As surely as I believe that God is guiding me in this decision, I also believe that God will guide you in finding a new rhythm with Jim and Nate.

I am excited to discover what God has in store for me, but my heart breaks to leave those I love so dear. Boundaries in transitions are hard, but they are what allows for a smooth transition. In accordance with presbytery policy, I will observe a period of one year of no communication which includes social media. During this time, I encourage the congregation to embrace and engage with Jim and Nate in ways that you may not have already. I believe that this intentional time of disconnection from me will foster stronger relationships and enable a seamless transition. After this one-year period, I will not initiate communication. Please know that silence and lack of response during this time of disconnection is not out of animosity or lack of love, but out of an abundance of love for you to allow for a healthy transition for you with Jim and Nate, and for me with PFPC. I trust that the bonds we have formed will endure, and I am confident that our paths will cross again in the future.

In the coming weeks, I am committed to ensuring a smooth transition. I am open to discussing any details regarding the transition process and will do my best to assist in any way possible. My last day of service at SPC will be February 11, 2024 and I am more than willing to collaborate with you to ensure a seamless handover of responsibilities.

From now until February 11th, I will continue to pastor this church, engaging fully in the good and important ministry we have yet to do together and the hard but grace filled process of saying goodbye. I ask for your prayers and understanding as we all make this transition. Once again, thank you for the warmth and acceptance my family and I have experienced at SPC. I pray for continued blessings upon the church and its work both here and beyond.

Grace + Peace + Love,
Letter by Rev. Crystal Varner Parker to the Session, Deacons, Staff, and Congregation of Salisbury Presbyterian Church

The complicated feelings on pastoral transitions

The best word to describe how I am feeling is bittersweet. While I am unbelievably excited to be called to Providence Forge Presbyterian Church as their next pastor, I am deeply sad to leave all the people I love at Salisbury Presbyterian Church. Pastoral transitions are filled with so many mixed emotions for the pastor and their congregation. Excitement over what’s to come, and sadness of relationships ending. When a pastor is married and has children, this adds another level of feelings and complication to the mix. Not only do I have relationships and bonds with the church I serve, so do my husband and daughters. Discerning whether or not to accept a new call was a family affair, and it was not made easily. I’m deeply grateful for the grace, love, and excitement shared from the members of Salisbury, but share in their grief in the change in our relationship. My family and I will miss them so much.

I would be remiss if I did not talk about Providence Forge Presbyterian Church, their PNC (pastor nominating committee), and Rev. Dr. Cindy Kissel-Ito (their covenant pastor). They have been a beacon of so much love and excitement. I am excited that God has called us together and excited for all that is to come.

Where did you go, 2023?

I am not certain how this happened, but the year 2023 came roaring in and has passed me by. I have written 0.0 times on this dear blog of mine last year, which might be a sign that the year was filled with a bit too much. But seriously though, where did you go, 2023?

Well, what happened was…

In November of 2022, a couple of friends sat me down to ask an important question of me, “Would you consider running for school board?” I was not one to say “yes” quickly and had various people in my life that I needed to consult with prior to my even considering a “yes.” For starters I need to talk to my husband and my boss. I needed to know how this would impact my family and the church I serve, as I would need their support in this endeavor. Everyone was very supportive from the outset, and then more friends began coming forward with the same school board question. With a lot people who knew me personally and professionally (from my work in the schools and community) asking that I run, a supportive spouse, and boss, I agreed and said “yes” to running for school board.

What I didn’t know was…

How hard it is to run for school board (or any office for that matter). How much there is for you to know. How much there is for you to do. How much there is for you to fundraise. While I knew the work of serving on school board would be tough, I had a general idea and handle on what was before me. Running for office was a whole other ~~beast~~ idea. I was not someone running for school board because I had my eyes on future political ambitions. I was someone running for school board because I believe in the power of public education, knew the transformational power of being a listening presence in our schools, and had list of people wanting to me to be the woman to get the job done.

What I did not expect was…

That there would be five of us on the ballot for one school board seat. You heard that right. There were FIVE people on the ballot for the Fairfield District on the Henrico County School Board. Running for office in a highly sought after seat was unbelievable. I met and became friends with some incredible people along the way. I reconnected with people I had not seen in quite some time. I learned so much about the election and campaign process, and discovered this is not something that lends itself well to new people on the scene.

The outcome of the election was…

not what any of us wanted, but I remain committed to our schools. The results were:

Write-In votes with 0.80%
Keith W. Hicks with 9.56%
Crystal D. Varner Parker with 17.56%
Tommie L. Jefferson with 20.02%
Terrell A. Pollard with 25.87%
Ryan E. Young as the winner with 26.19%.

As you can see, the vote was all over the place with the winner taking a very slim lead.

What I did learn was…

That there are over 3,300 people in my district who believed in me as the right candidate. That people would like me to consider running for office again, whether it is for school board or something else. That there are teachers, school staff, and division leaders who believed in me as the right candidate, and that they were holding onto hope I would win*. The reality is that if those teachers, staff, and leaders don’t live in my district, it doesn’t hold as much weight when they cannot vote for me.

_{*Most people don’t know this, but employees in certain positions of leadership are not allow to declare or express support of school board candidates. This meant that those who were dear friends or supporters of my candidacy were not allowed to say a word about me, my campaign, or why they wanted me to win.}

More than anything, I learned…

I can run for office, because I did it.

I can do incredibly hard things, because I’ve done it.

That I am committed to supporting our students, teachers, and school staff and that I won’t stop fighting for them.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m cheering on our new school board and holding onto hope that they will do what is best for our students, teachers, and school staff.

Thank you for some friends

I must confess that I am a person who is incredibly skeptical when someone says, “you have to meet so-and-so. You two would make great friends.” I try to stay engaged, but I am internally shutting down, wanting to get up, leave and never continue the conversation. Thankfully, my daughters have never done this to me (yet), but they have brought a few stellar people into my life. Today’s post is dedicated to my daughters, to whom I now say, “thank you for some friends.”

Perhaps you wonder why I would resist someone wanting to help me make friends?

I think it’s mainly the introvert in me that immediately goes on alert. I have learned over the years what will fill my cup and those things that will drain me like a sieve. My introvert alert knows that meeting new people leads to the much-required making of small talk. While I know that I CAN do small talk, as I have had to do this professionally for the last 15 years, I also know that by making small talk my internal battery is slowly ~~dying~~ draining. A few times, I have pushed through this internal struggle, and I have been pleasantly surprised by the result.

What happened?

The first time was when my daughter wanted to have a playdate with her friend from preschool. We met up at a park, we moms watched our little girls play, and had great conversations throughout our time together. Soon after we became friends on social media, and have stayed friends since.

The second time, I was waiting for my turn at parent-teacher conferences. I began chit-chatting with another mom in my daughter’s class, and slowly realized that I thought she was pretty awesome. Over the next several weeks, we kept bumping into each other at school events and around the neighborhood. Soon we became friends on social media (noticing a trend?), and now we text and message regularly.

Did this happen again?

Yep, in my daughter’s Girl Scout Troop a few years ago. Girl Scout cookie season was approaching, and my daughter was DESPERATE to be a Girl Scout and sell those ~~addicting~~ beloved cookies. I reluctantly volunteered to be an assistant leader in the troop so kindergarten Daisies could be added. Little did I know, a pandemic would hit within two months, our troop would shift to virtual for several months, and I would later have to take over as the troop leader. Perhaps I was right to be reluctant to volunteer?

I did learn rather quickly, that this arrangement would allow some girls to join the troop, and that my daughter (and later my youngest too) to get to know some great kids. The addition of these new girls brought their mothers to the troop, and now they’re irreplaceable parts of my village. We help one another when life gets tough, we look out for each other’s children, and they now help me lead the Girl Scout troop.

Have I changed my mind?

I’m not so sure about that. I am still an introvert who needs to protect my energy, choose wisely which things I agree to do, and prioritize some time alone each week. I am still skeptical of the phrase “you have to meet so-and-so, you two would make great friends.” I love the people in my life, and I’m flattered they think enough to introduce me to others in their life, and I want to invest my time in these treasured friendships. So, I won’t say no to meeting someone new, but I may continue being careful to protect my time for the ones already near and dear to my heart.

Motherhood Confession… tooth fairy edition

I have a confession…

(Did you just start seeing Usher in your head? If yes, we can be friends)

I digress. I have a confession… tooth fairy edition.

I am the tooth fairy…

…in my house, I’ve been given this title. Perhaps this title was given to me by the assistant to the tooth fairy, also known as my husband. My children do not know this, but I’m going to blow my cover sooner than later. Want to know how I know? Because it’s almost happened already.
[Also, Why is this even a thing? Teeth falling out? A fairy creeping in your house? ]

So what happened was…

My oldest lost a tooth. It was during pandemic times (which it still kind of is, right?), which meant my brain was fried and my memory is shh…sugar…it. I helped my daughter leave out her note for the ~~bone collector~~ tooth fairy. I then proceeded to forget all about what comes next. I went to bed and I slept soundly(ish).
[Do parents ever sleep soundly? There is a constant risk of being woken up by womb gremlins, worrying over your children, and other such concerns.]

I awoke to a disappointed child…

The next morning I had a little girl confused and disappointed that the tooth fairy had not made her visit, taking a tooth, and replacing it with a gold Sacajawea dollar coin. I quickly made some excuse about why the fairy didn’t come, blaming an unclean room or some such. This led to a tidy room and a little girl ready to give this magical creature another chance.

The next morning wasn’t much better…

Sadly, the assistant to the tooth fairy is a complete slacker and routinely falls short. They failed at their one task. Ensuring the tooth was collected and a coin left in its place. As if one mistake wasn’t bad enough, a second is almost unforgivable. So what happened next? A certain female parent went and placed a coin in an obscure spot and found it miraculously. The dismayed child was pleased with the discovery of funds but displeased that their tooth was left behind.
[I am not entirely certain of the going rate for teeth. I’ve heard some fairies give big bills, some toys, and maybe some are giving Disney Trips. This fairy is too cheap. We have a roll of gold dollar coins as tooth money.]

What do we do with this forgotten tooth?

Leave it for the ~~bone collector~~ fairy to come by (again) to pick it up. I’ve heard the fairy tried to go to bed without making their final stop, but did manage to collect their forgotten tooth.
[I admittedly felt terrible about my forgetfulness, but I will fully own that I am an okayish mom.]

Did the tooth fairy learn anything?

Maybe? Maybe not? Did their spouse? You better believe it. They stayed on top of things and kept the fairy on task to ensure the job was done. Here’s hoping this continues. There are many more teeth to be lost, and another child left to lose teeth in our house.
[God help me. Why are there so many teeth to be exchanged for currency?!]

the wonder of motherhood

little eyes staring up

minds filled with wonder

their lips overflow with questions

their ears cannot hear “I don’t know”

mom has all the answers

until she doesn’t

the day comes when she knows nothing

the wonder of motherhood

one day you know it all

the next you know nothing

but isn’t that every day of motherhood?

I’m a p…..?!

The question we all get asked…

What do you do?

For some of us it’s super easy to answer.

For some of us we pause knowing the reaction to your job can go a few different ways.

Then there’s me, who’s still not sure how to answer. You could also call it disbelief.

I’m a p……

Huh? I’m this thing that I thought I was never going to be. I’m this thing I tried to withdraw from the process of doing. I’m doing this job I’ve not (yet) been ordained to do.

I’m an associate pastor elect (the official term) for Christian Education and Discipleship. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be ordained one week into the new year. I am still in disbelief.

I’m the one who’s tried on many occasions to run from my calling. I’ve believed there are plenty of reasons why God shouldn’t want me as a pastor, yet Gods work in my life doesn’t depend upon just me. There are so many people who have been instrumental in my call to ministry and continue to nurture and guide me. There are also the newer people in my life who sustain me and keep me going in my new role. And each day, I wake up incredibly grateful for where God has called me to serve today.

What we do can feel like such a loaded question.

As a woman in ministry, this feels especially so.
Some do not have positive associations with the church or those in ministry.
Will I be on the receiving end of someone’s animosity against the church?
Will someone have issue with the fact that I am a woman in ministry?

While I could walk around worrying, I’ll hold onto the words of affirmation, gratitude, that affirm I am where I a should be. I will also hold with care the words of the women in my congregation who are grateful for a woman’s voice among the clergy in leadership. I work with two other great pastors, who are gifted in what they do, affirm and encourage me in what I do, and I’m so thankful to call them my colleagues.

Yes, I’m proud to say I’m a pastor, and cannot wait until I’m officially ordained as a minister in Presbyterian Church (USA).

As Presbyterians, we like to do things decently and in order.

To become a pastor there are things you must do. Here are some of those things I’ve had to do:

Become an inquire with your home church after 6 months of membership
(☑️ November 2007 at Three Chopt Presbyterian Church)
Be accepted by the CPM as an inquirer
(☑️ November 2007)
Complete a parish internship
(☑️ August 2008 at Three Chopt Presbyterian Church)
Complete a non-parish internship
(☑️ May 2009 at Virginia Commonwealth University)
You must graduate from seminary
(☑️ May 2009 from Union Presbyterian Seminary)
Be accepted by the CPM as a candidate and the presbytery
(☑️ October 2009)
Pass 5 ordination exams on Bible Content, Exegesis, Polity, Theology, and Worship & Sacraments
(☑️ completed in 2009)
Complete a unit of CPE
(☑️ May 2010)
Be certified ready to receive a call by your presbytery’s CPM
(☑️ October 2020)
Find a call, aka a job in ministry
(☑️ August 2021)
Be examined and approved by the presbytery where you will be ordained

In October, I preached before 1/3 of the presbytery, two months after my examination by the COM (committee on ministry) examinations committee. The final step in the ordination process is finally complete.

Could these steps have been completed faster? Absolutely.
Would I be the same person in ministry if I had rushed through them? Absolutely not.

Now I have a service of ordination and installation to finalize and a commission to to have approved by the Presbytery of the James (hopefully today). Theses services are slated for just after Epiphany, as I wanted to ensure that some important people in my journey to ordination could be there. In case you’re not aware, a service in the weeks leading up to or during advent is not an ideal time for those in ministry for an ordination service.

I am beyond excited and grateful for all that has happened and all that comes next.

P.S. If you are someone who has journeyed alongside me in this process… thank you! I seriously, could not do this without you.

Surprises in the Pulpit

I have long wrestled with whether or not to write about this, but I believe silence allows this to continue. For my BIPOC friends, I warn you now that this may be triggering. For that I am sorry, but I am not sorry for being a voice to the struggles we face.

Anyone in ministry knows that there are many unexpected things about working in the church. For those who identify as female, it is a known fact that inappropriate things are said about our bodies in places that are considered sacred. When we thought that the education and experience that we bring is more than sufficient to give us credibility, in an instant someone attempts to reduce us to our appearances.

There are many surprises in the pulpit, or in the areas surrounding them.

One Sunday morning in the autumn of 2020, I was doing pulpit supply for a rural congregation in my presbytery. This was not an unusual thing for me to do, as I have regularly done this since early 2019. I was ever grateful for the opportunity to share the good news, particularly with a congregation in need of someone to preach and lead worship on a given Sunday. What I was not prepared for was what would happen as I prepared to lead a congregation in worship…

The elder who was coordinating pulpit supply confirmed in our call in the week leading up that the church would wear masks if that’s what I wanted. That should have been a red flag already. In the height of the pandemic (November 2020), shouldn’t masks be a given? Upon entering the church I saw that no one had on a mask. I had my mask on and kept some extra distance until others put on theirs.

* Let me pause and make a note.*

At this point in the pandemic, my family was still being very careful. We had high risk family members in our bubble. We had both kids learning virtually to protect our family. We were accepting risk with my doing pulpit supply. Churches doing what they could to be safe were key to helping us protect the vulnerable members of our family.

Let me continue…

The elder with whom I’d been in communication greeted me, discussed logistics, and then reminded folks of the need to wear their masks. In the moments that soon followed, there were a couple of members who began our time together by glaring at me for the majority of the worship service for being told by a church members to put on a mask. This was not the only congregation that resisted masks during the pandemic in my adventures pulpit supply, but theis level of glaring was new.

Even though this was awkward, this wasn’t the most challenging part of the morning…

The elder who was handling worship coordination decided that they would handle announcements, and then hand the service over to me to lead. During the announcements the gentleman shared gratitude for all who came out to decorate the church for Advent (season leading up to Christma)s, and praised some of the young people for helping out too. Then he said he had a great conversation with two of the young people there, and asked them to come forward to share about it.

Man: Do you remember what I asked you yesterday?
One of the girls: Yes, sir.
Man: What’s the difference between a daisy and a dixie? What did you say?

(In this moment, my brain is racing to answer the question. I couldn’t fathom what he was talking about. So I patiently waited for the answer out of curiosity.)

Girl: A Daisy is a flower. A Dixie is a flag.
(The realization hits that I couldn’t answer this question, because it served like a litmus test. If you know the answer, you know. If you do not, you’re not one of them.)
Man: Thank you ladies, you can go sit down.

At this point, the panic was crashing like a wave.

I realize that I do not belong in this place. I am now realizing that this particular church is no longer a safe place. I am looking around in panic for a way to escape…

I was sitting on the chancel (the area where the pulpit is located) and not sure if I could get out of the church. I could go out to my left through the back of the sanctuary and everyone will see me. I could go straight out the back of the sanctuary past everyone, and so they’ll definitely see me and say something. No matter what I do, all eyes will be on me as a I leave. Then I begin to wonder if I really should leave…

Did that man intend for the question to be racist? Do they think the confederate flag is a troubling symbol of racism to those who do not identify as Black or African American? Would it be wrong to leave a church without preacher?

So I made a decision…

In the time that it took for the announcements to finish I tried to quiet the panic in my mind. I prayed that God would grant me peace, fill me with love, and that God’s transformational love would pour forth from me. I am not going to lie and say that all was better in a matter of moments. I will not say that I was not terrified and concerned about my well-being. I will admit that this service was one of the hardest services I have ever had to lead. I will also admit that the feelings of trauma from that day are with me still.

Our words matter.

Two Novembers in a row, I had situations where there were racist interactions that trouble me to this day. I believe what made my experience in November 2019 and 2020 so challenging is that they were subtly and overtly discriminatory, and they were the first experiences I have had like that in a long time. Any BIPOC person can share with you their stories of racism and how they’ve experienced it throughout their life. The sharing of these stories are not easily done as each retelling brings back a tidal wave of feelings, heartbreak, and trauma from moments thought to be long in the past…

The moment(s) we were made to feel like the other.
The moment(s) we were made to feel like someone who doesn’t belong in a place they thought was safe.
The moment(s) we were made to feel like our feelings didn’t matter.

How we speak to and about one another matters. I do not share this experience to disparage the church as a whole. I love the church, despite the failings of its people. The church is where I’ve been called to serve. The church is filled with people who remind me of God’s goodness. Life in community comes with a risk, but it also comes with abundant blessing. I hope and pray to help the church continue to be the place it’s meant to be…

a place of radical hope and love.

okayish mom

Some have the goal of being the best mom ever. These are the moms who throw elaborate class parties, birthday parties with personalized gifts for each attendee, homemade lunches with had written notes daily, and the list goes on. If that is you: good for you. If that is not you: you’re in good company with me. I am unapologetically an okayish mom.

Do I love my children with all my heart?
There’s no doubt about it.
Do I think motherhood is a competition?
Perhaps to some, but I’ve opted out of enrolling in the competition.
Will I make it for every event my children have in life?
Nope, but I make sure someone who loves them is if I can’t.

If my answers above make me a bad mom, then you might as well start casting judgement.
If you’re hoping I’ll have a change of heart or be upset by your condemnation, prepare to be disappointed.

I’ve tried going above and beyond…

It didn’t go so well.
The deadline for being room parent was fast approaching and no one signed up for my oldest daughter’s class. I felt bad for her super amazing teacher, and volunteered. Then the deadline arrived, and I realized there was need for one in my youngest daughter’s preschool class too. So I agreed to be hers too. I didn’t want my daughters to feel like I picked one over the other.
The lesson I learned this year: I’m not room mom material.
Will I get a message out to other parents in a timely fashion? Absolutely not.
Will I give the teachers great gifts? I’m not sure if they’re the greatest, but they’re definitely nice.
All that to say, I’m not a bad room parent, nor am I a good one.
I am the world’s okayest room parent, and I won’t sign up to do this again.

I’ve tried doing what needs to be done…

And it turned out adequate(ish).
Girl Scout cookie season 2020, my oldest became DESPERATE to be a Girl Scout. I learned of another leader in my neighborhood that was willing to take more kindergartners IF there was a person to lead the Daisies (kindergarten and first graders). I was more than happy to be the super supportive leader of the Daisies, especially since it meant that I wouldn’t be in charge of the whole troop. This had been my hope all along, since I was a former Girl Scout council staff member. I knew how to do the things, but knew I didn’t have the time to run a whole troop. Super supportive parent/assistant…SIGN ME UP!

Class gift basket: contains some gifts and other parents hopefully added to this.

Fast forward nine months. Aforementioned troop leader informs me her husband is getting transferred out of state for work. We formulate a plan for the transition that is to occur in the spring. Well, the move happened sooner than expected, and by December I’m in charge of the whole troop, during a pandemic, when some girls are refusing to participate virtually, and I’m trying to figure out who’s who over zoom.

I’m in over my head…

I’m not afraid to admit I cannot do something, BUT I do not like broadcasting that information to the world.
I need these girls living through uncertain times to feel like they’re in good hands, and to keep this troop limping along. Fortunately (for me), I have a friend helping in the troop who knows what’s going on. She’s super supportive, encouraging, and reminds me it’s a okay to do what’s best for me and my family.
I made the needed decision: I’m stepping down as leader of the troop.
I stepped into the role because it was what needed to be done, but it was not good for me.
Our end of the year parent meeting is met with many blank stares as no other parent wants to be leader either.
What’s going to happen to the troop? I have no idea, BUT I will keep Girl Scouting with my daughter.

Maybe I’m better than an okayish mom

I know that I love my kids and that they know this.
I know that I want to see my daughters be girls of courage, confidence, character, who make the world a better place.
I know that sometimes I have to lead, but sometimes I have to follow. Leading all the times leads to burnout for me.
To allow me to better than an okayish mom, I have to say no to things that I could do. And if I do those things I should say no to, I’m only going to be okayish.

Here’s to be okayish, loving it, and knowing your limits.

Off to finish being an okaying room parent, okayish troop leader, and loving my daughters fiercly.

do you hear me now?

you said things you shouldn’t

so i looked at my feet and walked away

another you said what cuts deep

i told you that it wasn’t okay

more yous said things that hurt

i yelled that it is racist and wrong

I looked with longing for a voice

but none of you spoke up

but the only voice i have is my own

i have avoided, whispered, spoken, and yelled

but none of you listened

so now my people are injured, dead, and dying

and still you look away

despite your closed ~~eyes~~ ears

i’m yelling, “STOP ASIAN HATE”

do you hear me now?